First, I must say that this is not an article to debate the worth of beauty pageants. Anyone with a quarter of a brain can see that there is absolutely no social merit whatsoever to them. They are harmful on many levels. To discuss such a thing is a futile exercise and a complete waste of time. And anyway, they shouldn’t even be called beauty pageants anymore. They should be called plastic surgery pageants because…really.

Instead, I’d like to examine these setbacks of progress in light of their historical significance…the beauty pageant as a sign…a terrible sign. You see, it wasn’t that long ago we had almost eliminated this blight. For a brief moment, we almost evolved past such a backward pastime. Beauty contests had begun to die off. In the late 1970’s they became a joke from the past…a ridiculous foolish thing only good for a laugh. Yes, for a time, it appeared that the ape was straightening its spine and, GLORY HALLELUJAH, the knuckles were raised from the ground. We were moving…moving beyond this. We were more intelligent than this. We were better.

But in the midst of all this hope, something terrible happened…something horribly wickedly terrible. It was called 1980! Was it in the number? Was it how the planets were aligned? Was a dangerous soul-killing virus unleashed by the devil himself? I don’t know. All I know for sure is that 1980 came, and yes, the spine buckled, the knuckles dropped, and the dull stupid beast began to drag itself slowly along once again. The hope of evolution was dashed, and beauty contest started to return. 1980 was the beginning of a sad and tragic descent for humankind.

BUT…

Don’t despair.

I see signs of hope.

Everywhere I look, I see signs of hope.

It’s a struggle. That’s for darned sure. But it’s undeniably hope.

Actually…come to think of it…I’ll go even further than that. This is more than hope…much more. It’s bigger and stronger than hope. Hope is but a spark, whereas this…this is a bright burning flame. It’s a great promise…a mighty pledge…an unbreakable covenant. No power on earth has the strength to move against it. It will make the waters roar and the mountains quake. The earth will give way to the heavens. That’s what I see coming. Something that will snap that stupid ape spine into place with such force, it will never ever buckle again.